The Quiet Descent
There's a heaviness I've been carrying lately, one that I can’t quite shake. It’s as if I’m walking through life with a backpack filled with stones, each step harder than the last. My days have started to blur together in a way they never have before. I’m practicing all the daily rituals that usually bring me joy—my morning yoga, creative writing, and even candle making—but still, something is missing. There’s a longing, a deep, aching need for something more than what my working life offers me.
I’ve always believed that a fulfilling life is a balance between the professional and the personal. Yet, lately, it feels like the scales are tipping, and not in a good way. My job, which has been my lifeline, feels like it’s slowly draining the color from my world. But here’s the catch: I’m fully aware of the privilege I have. I know how fortunate I am to have a stable job, a comfortable life, and passions that keep me engaged outside of work. There are countless people who would give anything to trade places with me, and that knowledge only adds to the guilt that’s been creeping in.
The Struggle with Gratitude
Gratitude is a powerful thing. It’s been my anchor through many storms, a constant reminder to appreciate the blessings I have. But what happens when gratitude isn’t enough? When the very thing you’re grateful for starts to feel like a burden? It’s a difficult question, one that I’ve been wrestling with in the quiet moments between tasks and to-do lists.
For years, my job has been a source of stability, a cornerstone of my identity. It’s allowed me to support my family, pursue my hobbies, and carve out a life that, on the surface, seems picture-perfect. But as I navigate menopause and all the changes it brings, I’m finding that the life I’ve built isn’t quite as fulfilling as it once was. The passion I once had for my work is fading, replaced by a sense of emptiness that lingers long after I’ve logged off for the day.
I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. The “Sunday Scaries” are a well-documented phenomenon, that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach as the weekend draws to a close and the workweek looms ahead. But this goes beyond that. It’s not just a case of the blues; it’s a deeper, more pervasive feeling of discontent that I can’t seem to shake.
The Longing for Something More
The things I do outside of work—yoga, writing, crafting, and spending time with my sons—bring me immense joy. They’re the activities that make life worth living, the moments that remind me who I am at my core. But lately, I’ve started to wonder if these passions are highlighting just how unfulfilling my job has become. When I’m immersed in these activities, I’m fully alive, engaged, and connected to my purpose. But when Monday morning rolls around, that light dims, and I’m left with the stark contrast between what I love and what I have to do to keep the lights on.
There’s a delicate balance between work and life, and right now, that balance feels off-kilter. I find myself longing for something more, something that goes beyond the 8+ hours I spend at my desk each day. I want to wake up excited about what the day holds, to feel like the work I’m doing is meaningful and aligned with my passions. But how do you reconcile that longing with the reality of needing a stable income, especially in a world where so many are struggling to make ends meet?
The Guilt of Wanting More
This is where the guilt comes in. I know how lucky I am to have a job that pays the bills, especially in an economy that’s anything but certain. I know that my situation is a far cry from those who are facing unemployment, underemployment, or jobs that are far more taxing than mine. And yet, the desire for something more persists. It feels selfish, ungrateful even, to want more when I already have so much. But that desire is real, and it’s something I can’t ignore.
I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on where this feeling is coming from, and I think it’s tied to the changes I’m experiencing as I move through menopause. This transition has made me acutely aware of the passage of time, of how precious and fleeting life is. It’s forced me to confront what I really want out of life, and the truth is, I want more than just a job that pays the bills. I want a life that’s rich in meaning, connection, and joy—a life that feels like it’s truly mine.
The Search for Fulfillment
So, where do I go from here? How do I navigate this longing for something more while still honoring the gratitude I feel for what I have? It’s a question I don’t have all the answers to, but I’m committed to finding them. I believe that fulfillment isn’t something that just falls into our laps; it’s something we have to actively seek out and create for ourselves.
One of the first steps I’m taking is to reevaluate my relationship with work. I’ve been doing some deep soul-searching to understand what’s missing and why. Is it the nature of the work itself, or is it the way I’ve been approaching it? Am I giving too much of myself to my job, leaving little energy for the things that truly matter? Or is it that the work I’m doing no longer aligns with who I am becoming?
These are tough questions, and they require honest, sometimes uncomfortable answers. But I’m determined to dig deep and figure out what changes need to be made. I’m also exploring ways to bring more of my passions into my work life. Whether it’s finding creative projects that align with my interests, seeking out new opportunities within my current role, or even considering a career shift, I’m open to whatever possibilities might come my way.
Embracing Change
Change is never easy, especially when it comes to something as foundational as work. But I’ve learned that sometimes, the very thing we’re most afraid of is the thing we need the most. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut, to keep doing the same things because they’re familiar and safe. But growth happens when we step outside of our comfort zones and embrace the unknown.
For me, that might mean exploring new ways to integrate my creative passions into my career. It could mean taking on new challenges that push me to grow in unexpected ways. Or it could mean making a significant shift, like transitioning to a different role or even pursuing a new career path altogether. The idea of change is daunting, but it’s also exciting. It’s a chance to redefine what work means to me and to create a life that feels more aligned with who I am.
Finding Joy in the Present
While I’m navigating this journey, I’m also making a conscious effort to find joy in the present moment. It’s easy to get caught up in the “what ifs” and the longing for something more, but I don’t want to miss out on the beauty that’s right in front of me. There’s so much to be grateful for, even in the midst of this emotional rollercoaster.
I’m taking time to appreciate the small things—the warmth of the sun on my face during my morning walk, the laughter shared with my sons over dinner, the satisfaction of creating something beautiful with my own two hands. These moments are what make life rich and meaningful, and I’m reminding myself that they’re just as important as the bigger goals and aspirations I have.
The Power of Community
Another thing that’s been helping me through this is the power of community. Sharing my thoughts and feelings with others, whether it’s through this blog or in conversations with friends and family, has been incredibly healing. It’s a reminder that I’m not alone in this struggle, that there are others who understand what I’m going through and can offer support and encouragement.
If you’re reading this and you’re feeling a similar sense of discontent or longing, I want you to know that it’s okay. It’s okay to want more out of life, even if you already have a lot to be grateful for. It’s okay to feel conflicted, to wrestle with feelings of guilt or uncertainty. And it’s okay to take the time you need to figure out what changes might be necessary to create a life that feels truly fulfilling.
We don’t have to have all the answers right away. What’s important is that we keep searching, keep striving for a life that feels authentic and true to who we are. And we don’t have to do it alone. There’s power in community, in sharing our stories and supporting one another through the ups and downs of life.
Moving Forward
As I continue on this journey, I’m holding onto the belief that there’s something more out there for me—something that will bring together my passions, my skills, and my desire for meaningful work. It might take time to find it, and the path might be winding, but I’m committed to seeing it through.
In the meantime, I’m going to keep practicing gratitude, even on the days when it feels difficult. I’m going to keep nurturing the things that bring me joy outside of work, knowing that they’re an essential part of my well-being. And I’m going to keep seeking out ways to bring more of myself into my work, to create a career that feels aligned with who I am and who I’m wanting to become.
In solidarity and strength,
Evelyn